“The Fear”

Ok. Confession time.

I’ve gone from being a 3 or 4 time a week gym goer to not going at all for two months.

Wanna guess why?

Nope. Not because I have MS.

Want another guess?

I’m shattered? Yeah well that’s true but it’s only a small part of the reason.

How about, I’ve been too bloody scared!

I’ve been a member of a budget gym for nearly four years but very recently, I cancelled. Sam hasn’t been personal training there for nearly a year (at a rough guess) and despite it’s recent facelift, the place is tired. It lacks a buzz. Although I don’t do many classes anymore, preferring to train on my own, the timetable has gone pretty naff too. If you like spin and boot camp, fill yer boots. Anything else and you’ll be disappointed.

So this year, through our employee benefit scheme, I moved gyms. Incidentallty, this is one that Sam teaches a couple of classes at, and she’s been selling the place to me for months!

I’ve been a member for 17 whole days and today I took the plunge and went.

The point is, why has it taken me 17 days though? I’ve been so excited about joining there, I should have been banging down the door at opening time on April Fool’s Day!

I got “The Fear”. And then I started thinking too much about “The Fear” and ended up in tears after thinking all the irrational things last Wednesday.

It all started whilst I was writing the “My Big Why” blog post. I came to the realisation that I’m probably still as mobile as I am from the work I’ve been doing in the gym for the last four years. I never saw myself as physically strong, but in the time I’ve trained with Sam, I’ve lifted weights I never imagined possible.

Then I started thinking how I needed to get back to the gym. I’ve been in a lot of pain over the last month. By a lot, I mean quantity of pain rather than level of pain. I’ve been getting stiffness and pain in my left knee, sometimes extending to cramp in my thigh. I’ve been feeling a LOT MORE spaced out than I usually do.

It can’t be a relapse, because these symptoms aren’t exactly new. They’re just more pronounced at the moment. Just because I’ve been told I have MS, it doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly in excruciating amounts of pain. Nothing’s actually changed.

Except it has. I stopped training.

So then I started thinking about “The Fear” and that I need to get back to the gym and that’s the thing keeping me physically strong and mobile. Then I got REALLY upset and I couldn’t get past ending up in a wheelchair but I still had “The Fear” so how was I ever supposed to stay strong?!

(Are you following? I’m exceptionally confused myself now, and also getting mad at how ridiculous and irrational I was being!)

Anyway, “The Fear” was replaced by another fear. Fear of becoming immobile (we’ll call this “The Real Fear”).

Because “The Real Fear” had set in, it was time to get over myself and drag myself to the gym. For one reason or another, I had booked this afternoon as annual leave. My original plan fell through, but I decided to keep this afternoon booked off so that I could go to the gym whilst it’s quiet.

So today, I “announced myself” at the gym. All it involved was giving them a number that I’d had emailed to me. Well that was easy enough. I gave her the details, and she let me through the door and promised me that a welcome pack would be waiting by the time I was finished. She directed me to the changing rooms, but apart from that, I was on my own!

Gaaaahhh! This bit was my “Worst Fear”. Wandering around aimlessly like someone who didn’t have a clue. All my usual words of encouragement to others who are first time gym goers went out the window! I ended up tentatively taking two steps into the free weights area and then running a mile, quite literally on to a treadmill instead.

I hate running (that’s how big “The Fear” had set in again), but all the same I ended up doing 25 minutes of HIIT sprints. Urgh. What did I do that for?! It’s enough to put anyone off!

The main thing is, Day 1 is out the way and I feel good. I’m extremely happy that I successfully didn’t fall over my own feet (which is likely to happen at snails pace on a normal surface, never mind on a treadmill), and my legs felt the strongest that they’ve felt in ages. I’d felt really sceptical about them to be honest as I’ve been feeling so weak in that area over the last couple of months.

Today was a huge win and hopefully it’s the start of me getting my mojo for the gym back, if only for two or three days a week.

Next stop, Zumba with Clare and Lou. I bloody hate Zumba and I last time I did it, I fell over my own feet (of course I did!) so this ought to be good.

My MS Story (Part 3).

The next time I got a taste of a relapse, though I didn’t know it at the time, was around about July 2016.

I was in the midst of my Body Coach phase. I was in Cycle 2, which involved GVT, or German Volume Training. On this particular day, I was squatting. 10 sets of 10 at 20kg was what was ordered by Mr Wicks, and that I was going to do.

I was hitting it pretty comfortably until my 8th set. My legs just went to jelly. I managed to complete my 10 sets but there wasn’t a hope in hell that I’d be following up with 10 sets of 10 walking lunges. Nu-uh. Not a chance.

As I walked out of the gym, I was acutely aware that my legs felt like they were going to give way underneath me, and I seemed to have lost all control over my left leg. It was flapping all over the place like a flag in the wind.

“It’s ok,” I told myself. “10 for 10 is a pretty tough target and your range was probably about 80% there so you’ve probably just over exerted yourself.”

In an effort to right my problems with my leg, I booked into some sports physio sessions. After two he seemed pretty happy he’d done all he can and sent me on my way with a list of exercises to carry out which would aid my recovery.

In my next personal training session, I told Sam what had happened. I was forever telling her about all the weird things that my body did so she probably thought “here we go again!” I never told her these things for her to go easy on me, or to get an easier ride. I just felt she should know if she was training me.

It was on this day that she noticed a weird unexplained spasm in my left leg. As soon as I put any weight into it, it was shaking like there was hundreds of kilos of pressure. Around the same time I was doing a lot of skipping and boxing training in my sessions with her, and I was struggling to hold in my need to go to the toilet which was a completely new thing to me (I’ve not had kids. That’s not a problem for me yet!)

In addition, my whole groin area had that same tingling sensation that I’d experienced in my leg for the previous four years or so.

But there’s an explanation for that isn’t there?

Obviously what I’d done that day I was squatting, was I’d trapped a nerve in my lower back and all sense of anything had been lost. Hadn’t I?

And that’s when I had my first “accident”.

I honestly cannot believe I’m about to share this next bit, but in the spirit of really telling my story and also telling you what MS has been like, and will continue to be like for me, it’s only right I tell you the full story.

If you don’t like toilet talk, look away now!

I cannot explain to you what it’s like to lose control of your bowels at 29 years old. It is terrifying. It is embarassing. It is confusing. 29! This shouldn’t be happening until I’m at least 79 surely?!

I couldn’t stop shaking and it really did upset me. I was hysterical, because to make matters worse it happened in public. Me and Dave were out shopping in Sainsbury’s. I managed to run off to the toilet and I text him asking him to get wipes and a change of clothes and to ask a female shop assistant to chuck it into the toilets for me.

Admitting that this happened (and this didn’t end up being an isolated incident) is not something that’s easy, even now, even with an explanation for it.

Of course, I made all the excuses at the time, even when Dave told me that it’s not normal and I should go to the doctor I brushed it off.

“I’m doing Joe Wicks. I’m on a high fibre diet”

“Ahh I had last night’s cottage pie warmed up in the microwave, maybe I didn’t do it properly”

“It’s where I’ve trapped a nerve. I can’t work out when I need to go because I can’t feel it”

I was full of excuses.

I quickly got very attuned to myself though and managed to avoid too many more incidents. It put a spanner in the works of our social life for a while though because I was so scared of getting caught short again. I didn’t want to stray too far from home and never within a certain window of eating. The fear was very real.

This phase probably lasted for a good couple of months. My left leg continued with the mind of it’s own. Not painful, but certainly irritating.

And I looked bloody ridiculous much to the amusement of EVERYONE. My word how we laughed at me. Two of the people who laughed most have said they feel awful, now we know why, but that doesn’t bother me. I’ve got to find the funny side in all of this. It’s what keeps me going.

Why I hate New Year’s Eve…

For as long as I can remember, I’ve disliked New Year. It started as just a feeling that it was a bit creepy. Don’t ask me why, but it sends shivers down my spine. Perhaps it’s linked to the Millennium and all the fear surrounding the “so-called” Millennium bug, which let’s face it was the biggest anti-climax ever! At just 13, I was pretty young and impressionable though. The fear of the nation probably had a pretty huge (albeit ridiculous!) impact on me.

As I’ve grown older, I started to make New Years Resolutions. In my early teens, these were things such as “stop biting my nails” (I still bite them at 31), “ditch the shit friends” (just about nailed that one in my late 20’s), to “lose some damn weight” in my early 20’s”(still struggling).

Every year I’d set myself up for failure.

Then social media became a “thing”. Enter the annual statuses that start to appear during December of:

“2015 can do one!”

“2014 has been crap, 2015 will be my year!”

and the classic:

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I’m ashamed to admit, I’ve been guilty of these – in particular the last one, and it’s only in the last two or three years that my mindset has changed, and I no longer place this significance on re-starting the calendar.

So as you can see, my dislike of New Year is completely associated with wishing away the rest of the year because of a few crap moments, beating myself up for not being enough, planning ways to make me “more”, waiting for the start of the year to make these changes and more or less immediately failing.

The truth is, you don’t need a new day, week, month or year to start making it “Your Time”. Why don’t we do it this minute? Right now?

Now is our time if you want it to be. But YOU need to make it that.

We should stop dwelling on the petty shit and feeling so hard done by for no real reason. Give time and effort to stuff that really matters to you.

Why can’t we learn to be grateful for what we have because there is ALWAYS someone worse off than you. And there’s someone worse off than them.

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Most importantly, you are enough as you are! That doesn’t mean to say that we shouldn’t aim to improve ourselves – we should all do that. It makes life so much more fulfilling. But this should not just be because it’s a new year.

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Let’s make 2018 the year we make stuff happen and the year we’re a little kinder to ourselves. We have a lifetime, which isn’t as long as it sounds but we’d all enjoy the ride a little more if we were a bit kinder to ourselves, stopped wishing our lives away and stopped waiting for a new week, month or year to make ourselves a better human being.

Happy New Year to all of you 🙂